I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
