Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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