I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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