I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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