A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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