R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
