Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
