There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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