I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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