That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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