Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
