The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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