I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
bring money and cleavage
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
