I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
