People in love make me want to vomit
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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