oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
