Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
