So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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