for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
