I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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