The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
