I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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