Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
