It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
