I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
