the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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