No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
