So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
