just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize