I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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