i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
