youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
