Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
