Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize