she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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