Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Randomize
