my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
