at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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