please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize