Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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