you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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