I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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