Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I wish there were birth control emojis
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
