Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Life is so much better after having sex.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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