There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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