New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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