You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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