I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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