So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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