I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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