I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
