Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
