Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
