Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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