u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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