Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize