CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
