god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
