i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
