so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
