the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I cut my penus on the lid.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i want to swaddle you in tequila
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's blow job season.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
