how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
