How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize